You may have reached the point in your marriage that you are realizing you have nothing in common with your husband. Maybe you thought you did at one time, but now that the “honeymoon stage,” the, “in-love,” phase is over, you see that you just are not as compatible as you once thought. You are quite incompatible!
The thought of spending the next 40-50 years with someone that doesn’t want to do anything that you like, that has nothing in common with you or does not agree with anything you say, do or feel, can feel like a life-sentence you do not want.
Do you realize there may be a simple solution? Now, understand, I didn’t say EASY! But there is a simple one, one that is manageable and doable. This will not be for every case. Some marriages need extra guidance, support and help to get through to manage this part of trying to fix your marriage. If that is you, I highly recommend seeking professional care in your area and right away!
So what is this simple solution? It could just be your personalities and the fact that you are operating in your weaknesses of your personalty instead of your strengths.
Many of us live in our weaknesses, and not usually on purpose. Life can just be draining, stress can be running rampant and daily decisions are just too much. When all of that happens, we are not actively trying to live in our strengths. Negative is a natural flow. It easily happens and if uncontrolled can ruin your life.
If you are in this phase of your life, it’s ok! We’ve all been there, some of us still fight it everyday. Knowing and acknowledging that you have a challenge this area of your life is the first step to help you overcome the negativity and operating in your weaknesses.
When we operate in our weaknesses, most others around us, get turned off from us. They begin to not relate to us or don’t want to be around us. This could be happening in your marriage right now. Your husband may not be able to handle you anymore. He may not know how to deal with your negative personality so it’s better if he just doesn’t communicate anymore with you. Just to let things go on unattended and uncared for. He might not see the worth in putting in effort to try to make you happy anymore. If you have given up on him and decided not to pursue to strengthen your marriage anymore, he will not see a need to do it either. When one isn’t trying usually the other quits too.
What are your negative personality traits, your weaknesses? Are you living in these right now? Are these negative traits rubbing your husband the wrong way? Are they perceived to be controlling, witchy, mean, uncaring, intolerant, indecisive or unforgiving?
This is where all the incompatibly comes in.
We quit meeting each other’s needs. We become very aware of our needs only and when they are not being met by the other person in the marriage, we learn we have nothing in common, don’t agree with each other and are quite incompatible.
This is a common reason for divorce, but interestingly enough, not one that is mentioned very much. Both of the people in the marriage are waiting for the other person to meet their needs and it never happens. Then things get really bad, the fights get worse and there feels like there is no hope. By this time, we don’t even realize that it’s incompatibility. We think it’s everything else. Living in a instant gratification society, we want it fixed now without working to get there. When that doesn’t happen, then it feels like the only answer is divorce.
Communication is usually the source of all problems in a marriage. Or lack thereof! Why do we quit talking to each other? Why do we expect each other to just know what the other person is thinking? Are supposed to be mind readers? When communication is failing, we don’t let each other know in a caring way that we feel that our needs are not being met. We don’t listen to each other or tell each other what we need anymore.
When the situation has gotten so bad that you are constantly at each other without care for each other’s feelings, there is two options for you. 1) Divorce. 2) The couple agrees to stop making demands on each other and concentrating their efforts on meeting the needs of each other.
Selfishness screams: Meet MY needs. Love ME! Even when I’m uncooperative, unloving, mean and hysterical.
Love says: Let me meet your needs. Tell me what you need. Let me love YOU
There are two basic needs we all desire: To love and be loved and to feel worthwhile. Anything we do to meet the needs of others is an act of love. Failure to meet them is an act of disregard for the other person, heartache, despair and often divorce. A happy marriage involves the exchange of feelings, needs being met, ideas being shared and serving each other.
It’s up to you to start making a change in your marriage. It’s not up to him or about putting blame on him. Take up the responsibility, no matter what you have tried in the past, to make your marriage work. Someone has to be the initiator.
Differences in people that cause conflict in marriage:
Talks too much
Hard to please
In order to become compatible again, you have to meet each other needs. It takes one person to initiate compatibility again. Usually when one person begins it, sincerely with a loving heart, then the other person will follow suit in time. Hold fast to making changes. Don’t give up because you don’t see results right away. It took a while to get where you are at right now, it will take some time to mend your marriage.
- Ask him when he has some free time if you can have a little talk. Let him know it’s not about anything he did wrong, you just have been thinking about a few things and want to run it by him.
- When it’s time to talk, be sure you both are concentrating on each other. No distractions.
- Let him know that you realize that your communication is not as good as it could be. And it’s probably most likely your fault for not realizing it. Tell him you see that you might be missing out on filling a few of his needs.
- Ask him what he needs from you. Let him know that you won’t hold it against him for telling you anything that he feel that he needs or that you have been ignoring. If he gives you a big list, ask him what he would like you to work on first as the whole list might be too overwhelming.
- Take into consideration what he is saying. You might feel that you already do what he is asking, but if he is asking then you are not meeting what he really needs. If you don’t understand exactly what he means, then ask him to clarify it for you, to give you examples. And listen with a loving heart.
- Write those things down, then consciously make an effort to work on them every day.
Understanding Your Personality:
When you understand your personality and your true traits, then you begin to understand your strengths and weaknesses and how you are living in either of them. It all allows you to see and understand you husband and why he does some of the things he does. We are meant to compliment each other, and in order to do that, you have different strengths that will work together to make you a great team. You just need to learn and understand what they are and how to use them together.
Together, strong, you make an unbeatable, unstoppable team!
Most people fall into one strong area of the chart, with a secondary personality. For example, I am a Choleric-Sanguine, in that order. My husband is a Melancholy-Phlegmatic. We are complete opposites, but together we candy anything! When you recognize your personality, look at the weaknesses. Do you notice if you are operating in any of them? I can tend to be bossy and headstrong. That can make it difficult in our marriage and it has, if I am operating in that part of my personality only. I’ve had to learn to be able to listen to my husband and not try to control everything. It’s taken me a long time to do that. When we learned this information and learned how to work with each other instead of against each other, things improved tremendously.
Review the Five Love Languages as well. When we realize we function differently when it comes to love, and we can fill those needs of each other, our relationships can prosper a great deal. Life become better. We are happy. And we can conquer the world together!
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